Best and Worst Part Vie

Now that I am back, for anyone reading the last of the blogs, here are a few more final best and worst of moments...

Best Confirmation
Germans really do love David Hasselhoff

Worst Example of Engineering
The hotel bed in Frankfurt where the lamp attached to the wall was litterally 4 inches above my head and the light switches for the room were on the headboard. I woke myself up a few times by turning on the lights in the room by accident.

Worst Subway
Frankfurt... I'm pretty sure there was a piece of cheese waiting for us somewhere in that mess

Best Advertising
Cucumber and small tomatoes phallicly arrainged to promote the "health" benefits of veggies

Fun Park Ride Most Likely to Provide an Infection
Bumper boat water at Gorky Park

Best Bus Stop
The one with the homemade donuts... mmmm... dooooonuts...

Most Likely to Cause Cancer
Russia (followed closely by the Frankfurt Airport... riiiight, those are smoke filters...); we now have the lungs of a 60 year-old coal miner with a Marlboro habit

Best Named Skeleton
David... the name for an unknown skeleton that was found in the wreckage of a ship thousands of years ago

Best Name For an Exit
Utfart

Worst Leftover from the Cold War
Old woman on bus that swatted Tommy for trying to help her pick up the bus pass she dropped; this was right after she scoffed at him for offering her his seat

Best International Scam
Brian's slight of hand getting a 5 Euro refund for 5 Euros he didn't actually insert into the metro machine... he swears he didn't mean to do it and let the guy take us to get the refund because he didn't know what he was actually trying to do

Most Quizzical Inventory of a Retailer Based on the Store Name
Christ - seriously - these stores were in Moscow

Countries Where We Broke Down and Ate McDonalds
Russia, Sweden, Germany

Place we almost never eat McDonalds
USA

You may not be able to tell from the blog, but we had a great time and both of us would come back to Estonia and Sweden... particularly when it is warmer and drier. It is hard to describe the trip because the same principle applies to nearly everything we saw, its old, its priceless and was once owned by royalty more than likely. That doesn't mean it wasn't incredible.

We'll have to keep this open as we begin the countdown and planning for next year. Brian has tasked me with finding a female travel partner before then... if any of you know anyone...

Dave

Best and Worst Of

This is the best and worst of blog as told from Frankfurt, Germany on our final night of this adventure. Brian and I are doing this together so here goes:

Best Comedy
Jen screaming "she sold us the 12 o'clock tickets!"

Best "I Call Your Bluff"
Tommy dialing the "embassy" on his cell phone to find out the fine for bringing a beer into the metro for the cop harrassing Greg

Worst Advancement in Public Defecation
Pay toilets

Worst Hostel Feature
GPS by Russian named Nastia... ummm... have you actually BEEN to Moscow?

Best Hostel Feature
Hot Shower with Rain showerhead in Langholmen Prison Hostel in Stockholm... despite threat of cornholing left from prison days

Best Sight
Public breast feeding in Stockholm museum... no I am kidding... its either Russian women or possibly Peterhof in St. Pete... nope... its the breast feeding

Best Overcharging Opportunity
St. Basils... Americans... they will pay for anything eh comrad?

Best Representation of American Abroad
Racist a-hole from Warner-Robbins, GA who was thrilled there were no people of color in Russia

Best Weather Day
Tallinn, day two... walking tour and gorgeous sun and less chafing

Worst Delays
Gregs inability to hold it past the end of the meal

Best Song
Winds of Change... the Scorpions as sung by Tommy... constantly

Best Photo Ops
Stockholm (with or without the Swedish ladies)

Best Use of Dill
Take your pick of any restaurant in Russia... apparently dill is worshipped like a God here

Worst Parking Trend
Anywhere they want

Best Street Meat
(open for debate) but Brian says Teremok blinys in St. Pete

Worst Abuse of Language
Kirik en de Kok (you can imagine where Jen took this one)

Second Worst Abuse of Language
Stores all over Russia open 24 YACA

Best Roommate Clearing
Gas (for B); toilet time (for D)

D and B

Moron Swedish for Good Morning

The Swedish are a proud people... there is an entire museum dedicated to a grand boat that sank within a few miles of shore on its maiden voyage and killed at least 30 people. The signs in the museum had a lot of "it probably looked like this" or "we aren't sure about this" but surprisingly the museum was very interesting. They made a failure into a celebration.

It continues to rain, mostly misting until Brian said he was okay with the mist, then the downpour came. During two clearings we looked like a Japanese tour group with rumors of Godzilla in the area... both of us running with our cameras out towards tall buildings and monuments. Seriously, in the few instances of sun, we took off for the old town.

In one photo today, there were guys in orange suits. Not like burnt umber... orange. I immediately thought of Geoff.

One of the most interesting things I learned today is that the executioner in a village was usually a criminal as well. When a new executioner was hired, his first job was to execute the previous executioner. Ummm... don't even bother to inquire about the pension plan in that interview.

So its only a weekend and a bonus day between us and the good ol' Cingular offices. I must admit, I have missed it and a few of you a bit. The few of you I have missed are female... except for Sumter... poor little guy... can't wait to pick him up from the kennel so he can pretend not to know me for the next week.

This is it for now... stay tuned for a best of blog...

Dave

Meatballs Made Easy

I have had the meatballs at IKEA and from that, my open of Swedish food was pretty good even if I am expected to assemble the meatballs myself with a single small alan wrench and illustrated directions. That said, my experience at the 40 dollar buffet aboard our romantic... I mean, Romantika... cruise was not quite what I expected. Fifty varieties of pickled herring, shrimp staring back at me with lonely eyes begging..."don not eat me" and some type of smoked fish that I am pretty sure smoked Marlboro Reds because he had black lung or something else black... all served by the most surly people we have met thus far except a guy in Russia that shut down a conversation with Jen saying "I have already told you." Incidentally, I ended up eating the meatballs... no assembly required.

It is just Brian and I now and the laughs have not stopped. We opted not to go to the Tango lounge for dancing last night because we have become very concious of how this whole trip is starting to sound to the outside world. Trust us, we will not find it funny when we return to find our cubes decorated in rainbow colors and our photos on Gay Date.

Have you ever seen Night of the Comet, where a couple of teens wake up to find nearly everyone dead/missing? This is the port of Stockholm. There was tumbleweed blowing across the ferry terminal... of course here it is called töömbleweeden. Try finding a bankomat when you need one near the terminal here.

So we had lunch in a Chinese restaurant today. Brian is giving a bit of the debriefing but I want to mention a few things. There was a dog in the foyer waiting for its owner... we think... The chef, an older Asian woman that spoke no English but smiled big to us and continued to try and speak to us in Swedish went up to pet the dog. Afterwards she said something and motioned with her hands. I think she either meant she was going to wash her hands before making our food or that the dog was going to be our food... not sure which. Lunch was tasty so I will not question it. The name of the place was Lai-Lai and it made me a little nervous, was it a "lai" that my meal was actually beef?

We come across our second Depeche Mode themed bar in two countries now. Brian and I are convinced it must be because "people are people" no matter where you go. And for some reason, guys carrying purses just seem to look more at home with a little Depeche Mode music thumping in the background.

We had some lattes at Wayne's Coffee in the city center but realized only too late that we should have gone to Robert's Coffee a few doors down.

Tattooing is huge here in many areas but I have to tell you, I just don't trust my tatting to a guy named Sven with a fauxhawk. I prefer my tats the American way, from a guy named Bubba with the entire line of Harleys since 1956 tattoed up his arm in a shack just outside of Villa Rica, GA.

Speaking of the "American Way", we just passed a shop selling "American" foods. Curious as to just what it is that we as American's eat, we did some window shopping. I was disappointed to find French's mustard in the window... is nothing sacred? Apparently we eat lots of "Fluff" which I can only guess is a marshmallow like substance. There was a huge display of it in the window.

Oh and if you cannot tell from the running commentary thus far, the boat ride in was beautiful, and thus far Stockholm is gorgeous as well. We stood out on the back deck of the Romanticka and I think I noticed a tear in Brian's eye as we passed by very tiny islands with a single home. He may have been crying from the sheer beauty of this Baltic paradise or the gas fumes that were lingering on the Sundeck.

It is time to head back out into the misty rain and explore more of this pretty burg.

Dave

Hi there, I'm a friend of your mother. She told me to pick you up after school...

It's a big day here in Stockholm. The Stockholmians, or whatever they are called, have heralded our arrival with a bit of rain and a little runaround. More on that in a min. They have also lined the streets to help celebrate my Grandparent's wedding anniversary and my sister's 40th birthday - the later is more of a mourning than a celebration. Sorry Chris, but dang you're old! I guess the real reason you didn't get to go on the trip this year is because your health insurance wouldn't allow it since your warranty was about to expire.

We got off the ferry this morning - yes it was called the Romantika Ferry, yes it looked a lot like the Love Boat, no the guy didn't laugh when we asked where Gopher was - and realized that the only money we had was Estonian kronor. Not to worry you say, there's got to be a currency exchange or an ATM around here somewhere, after all it's the entrance port to a country so they have to expect people to need money, right? Stupid American! After about 45 minutes of lugging our packs in search of money we found someone who pointed us in the direction of an ATM.

Long story short, we got on the subway and found our way to Langhollmen island where we found our hostel which was a prison until about 20 years ago. None of the rooms comes with a private shower so in an effort to eliminate any chance of "prison activity" while there I reserved one of their "Don't Drop the Soap" rooms that excludes the late night gang rapes the hostel staff re-enacts.

We couldn't check in until 3:00 so we dropped off our bags and headed into town to grab some food since we skipped the $30 breakfast buffet on the ferry. We ended up at a Thai place where we started to notice a trend regarding the patrons. We sat near the front door and noticed everyone who came in was an older male who quickly said something in Swedish to the woman behind the counter and then walked into the back seating area. This happened about 6 or 7 times. We thought the streak ended when a women walked in, but she was quickly given the about face and shuffled out the front door.

What was happening back there? The local Lions Club meeting? The Underground Swedish Meatball revolt? Judging by the look of some of these guys I'd have to say the children in the area shouldn't be sleeping so soundly. These guys looked like the ones you'd see on the news where the neighbors say "He was a quiet guy who kept to himself. Just a really nice neighbor who never bothered anyone", meanwhile the cops are in the background carting off 6 foot high stacks of child pornography from the guy's basement.

Either that or the Thai place was the front for some Swedish mafia activity and the old woman behind the counter was getting kickbacks. She did have the crazy eyes and continued to talk to us in Swedish even after we gave that international shrug of the shoulders and obligatory laugh that said "I have no clue what you just said".

I'm not sure which was more troubling, the men in that place or the fact that I was eating Thai food without easy access to a bathroom for another 4 hours. I was really taking a gamble. So far so good though.

Stockholm appears to be another great city and I can't wait to get out and see some more of it tomorrow. Has that same old world feel that Tallinn had but with a modern cosmopolitan flair. We are going to try to hit a couple of museums (one about a ship that went down in the 1600s) and then see the city center where the palace and old buildings are. Should be fun.

More to come.

B

One Clove or Two?

I have to agree with Dave about coming back here to visit again. We took a tour bus outside the walled city and into the surrounding area a bit and much to my amazement I think it looks just as interesting as the Old Town area. Tallinn was one of the venues from the 1980 Moscow Olympics so they still had some of the buildings and dormitories from those events.

I also have to agree with Dave that we will never be close enough friends to offer each other a European greeting. I too saw the guys plant one on each other and I'm not so sure about Dave's assessment of them being just friends. I mean I know that European guys are ahead of the trends and are really stylish but these two accessorized a little too well for them to be playing on my team.

It's our last night in Tallinn and I have to say this has been the highlight of the trip for me so far followed by St. Petersburg and then Moscow. At this rate Stockholm is going to be off the charts.

Dave picked the restaurant for dinner tonight and he chose one that is known for cooking with garlic. I don't think he really thought this choice through because if he truly has ideas of going to the Striptiis show tonight I don't think he'll be getting his money's worth. I mean he normally wonders why the women at the clubs avoid him and I usually don't have a good answer for him. This time I will.

Speaking of dinners, I think I'm going to have a hard time adjusting back to my normal eating habits. Not sure if it's just the fact that we are traveling or that it stays light out until around midnight but we have been eating dinner later and later. Last night Dave and I ate dinner around 11pm and the place was packed with others eating as well. At home I'm usually in bed by that time. Here I'm ordering an after dinner coffee.

Well, that's about all for now. We'll check in again from Stockholm, unless we do something really stupid tonight that must be chronicled before we leave.

B

Dishing on the Rest of Them

I will admit, this blog and parts of this trip are sounding like a homophobes worst nightmare. The truth is, this is Europe, I saw two guys lip kiss the other day and they were just friends... for the record, Brian and I will never be that close, no matter how long we spend on the Romantika Ferry Line. Could we have just gotten the Baltika Ferry?

Tallinn is unreal though and I will come back if not have a second house here someday. Hear that anyone from Cingular reading this... I am going to need some extra cash flow to make that a reality start exploring the budget for that. You should all look it up on google if you do not know it. The photos are phenomenal and if Brian publishes a certain one of me on here, he can start looking for a new travel partner... I still need a date and who knows, she may be reading this some day... and if this picture is posted, hello monastic lifestyle... which is okay, I look good in brown.

The women are great as Brian mentioned and I have said I love you to many of them along the way but it came out more like "uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..." and then walking off red in the face. No who am I kidding, I have not approached anyone, just sat there with my mouth open.

Geoff wanted me to rip on the rest of the gang but there is not much to go on. Tommy is typical Tommy... Greg has been to the bathroom so many times in a day that we have lost count, seriously, his system must not get to enjoy any food its on its way out so quickly... Jen has flipped out a few times, mainly when we were sold the wrong tickets for a monument, we were a little scared that she was going to go Stalin on that womans ass but we all talked her down... Meredith has been Meredith. Tommy and Greg found some free porn on a channel but are not allowed to watch it. Brian and I are making plans to borrow their apartment this evening.

For the record, I have not yet been to Striptiis, the bar upstairs (B was serious about that) but since its our last night, I cannot say for sure if that will be true tomorrow.

Dave

Hey Gopher, when do we dock?

First full day in Tallinn today and it was good. We are in the Old Town area of the city and it is like a little oasis. Cobblestone streets with little shops, restaurants and pubs lead the way to a large open square that has a bunch of restaurants with outdoor seating. It was an ideal day for us to take our self-guided audio tour of the city since the weather was clear, sunny and close to 80 degrees.

I'm sure Dave will elaborate on the women of Estonia, but let me just say they are every bit as beautiful as the women of Russia except with more of a Nordic look to them. A lot of blonde haired blue eyed women. Dave is having a hard time controlling himself especially since our hostel is a floor below a burlesque show. Hostel floor 2, Striptease floor 3. He's hoping he'll get half price admission if he shows them the key to our room.

We bought our tickets for the ferry trip to Stockholm today and I'm a little nervous about the our choice of cruiseline. Apparently we will be sailing on the Romantic Ferry Line or something like that...enter your punch line here. Uh, I just have this bad feeling we are going to board the boat and see the all male crew in tight short shorts and rave music playing over the loud speakers. "Attention all passengers, George Michaels will be propositioning interested parties in the Lido Deck bathroom beginning at 11:00." Thank God we aren't sharing our cabin with anyone, but there is a fear that the two beds we booked are actually one single bed in the shape of a heart that can be pulled apart. You never know with these Swedes; I mean they did give us ABBA you know.

That's all for now but I'm sure I'll have more to tell tomorrow about Dave's trip to the striptease. I'm not sure his groping of the dancers will be as well received as it is at his home club in Atlanta.

B

Ooooh, did you just Swan Lake?

Update from Dave's last blog. His boxers are still wet. Well that's not entirely true, his clothes were finally dry this morning but only after hanging them on the coat rack in our hostel.

Yesterday was not his day. What with the laundry and then the chafing. You just imagine the worst day you've had recently and then picture that day after you've dumped a can of cayenne pepper down your pants. Kind of kicks the crappiness up a notch doesn't it?

As Dave mentioned we saw the last of St. Petersburg this morning. But we did get to check out a ballet last night that was pretty cool. Never considered myself a ballet kind of guy but I have to admit it was interesting. Especially when you have an idea of the story. We saw Swan Lake at an old theater in the heart of St. Petersburg. It looked like the staff of Nippon TV was in the audience. Even though the announcer said please do not take any pictures about half of the audience - which was either Korean or Japanese - was popping flash bulbs throughout the thing. There was a woman in front of us video taping the thing. I swear I saw that bootleg on eBay this morning.

Another highlight of the show was when an older Russian man pulled what we now like to call a "Swan Lake" fart. The guy stood away from his group of friends right near us. He then proceeded to rip a loud one that I thought was the floorboards creeking in the old theater. Then, while walking down the aisle to his unknowing group of friends he spreads his stench by waving his program back and forth by his ass, essentially clouding the whole aisle with his borscht blowout. It will go down in my book as a classic.

We are now in Tallinn, the capital of Estonia and I can already tell I'm going to like it here. We are in the old town area and it really has a quaint feel to it. Narrow cobblestone streets and old pubs. My kind of place.

More to come after we get out and about and offend the locals.

Brian

International Updates

As Brian previously mentioned, giving your clothes to a bartender is risky and as I've learned from the "sweet mayonaise" on some of the street meat stands, my risks haven't been paying off. This is no exception. Nearly a day after we were told our laundry would be finished and dry in a few hours, I'm still waiting. The ballet is just around the corner and I'm working on a three-day pair of boxers. I'm writing this blog while they dry and I'm hoping to be able to get back in time to buy all you people some Russian crap that I'll lug around for another week in my pack, probably break and get no gratitude. Oh don't mind me folks, I'm raw from walking and having some issues with staying warm/cold depending on whether inside or out so I'm as moody as a Russian Babushka with a pebble in her drawers and no ride home.

I have had the pleasure of having my beliefs confirmed that the most ignorant Americans are the loudest abroad. Some guy innocently started a conversation with us in Teremok, a fast food joint serving blinys (ooo I love the minced meat, mushroom and cheese!). He and is wife are from Warner-Robbins, GA and instead of sharing with us the beauty of St. Petersburg sites or the majesty of its architecture or the culture they were soaking up, they just said that they were glad they hadn't noticed any black people in Russia. That ended the conversation and was proven correct that our borders are porous when it comes to letting out our own idiots. Oh, and as it turns out, I ran into him while brushing my teeth at the hostel... he too is a guest. Glad tonight is our last night there.

The summer palace is gorgeous and I really wish we could have spent more time there. In fact, I wish I had more time in St. Petersburg in general, it is phenomenal here. The house and grounds were pretty unreal, even in the fog and near-rain. We didn't even get to see anything beyond the main house and that was unfortunate.

Lastly, I know that I snore. Brian has been kind enough not to mention it as often as other friends that may or may not be named Geoff or Tommy (then again, Geoff had 4 years of it in college so he may have the right). But the guy across the room last night was sawing logs and not with a saw but a big ol' Poulan chainsaw with dual fuel sources and a busted muffler. And then Brian joined in with some breathing I think, or it may have been another guy, and there was a symphony of nose-noise. Payback I suppose. When I asked how I compared, Brian nicely noted that I was worse. My apologies.

Little advice to the Russian tourism authority... don't hang a teal banner on the back of one of your most beautiful homes. I don't know what it said but its in my shots of the house and fountain. Thats like the White House putting billboards in the rose garden.

Dave

(aka CoCo as I have been told but don't appreciate fully)

Na gavariyu pa russky

So after seeing Brian comparing me to a Rueben's painting, I've decided a.) to beat the hell out of him while he sleeps and blame the large Belgian guy in the corner and b.) pray that the rest of you are oblivious to Ruebens' work and don't know why that wasn't a compliment. I feel the need to say for the record that beating a naked Brian wasn't something I had planned to share with you all and really, I can't talk about it now, the experience was scarring me and whenever I feel extreme heat I may just pee my pants out of abject fear of the whole experience. I must say though, despite the fact that I nearly choked on the heat and died from the ice-cold post bath, it was eventually refreshing.

I drank absinthe today for lunch and so far, no side effects or hallucinations. I drank absinthe today for lunch and so far, no side effects or hallucinations. I drank absinthe today for lunch and so far, no side effects or hallucinations.

A little travel advice, always open the stuff on the train. We apparently passed up some GRANDE Kit-Kats and some decent food because we were scared of the KGB agent that was sleeping on the bunk below me and next to the food. I'm not sure he was KGB, but he was humorless and scary. On another train note, Brian has now seen firsthand why I rail on the Germans in good fun (my apologies here to Mom and Dad Dehass); while everyone jammed into a tiny train hallway waiting to get to their bunks, a group of Germans left their luggage in the hall in front of us while they determined who was getting which bunk and whether there was any David Hasselhoff tunes available on the in car radio. Clueless travelers despite being a very smart people.

St. Petersburg is beautiful. In many ways it is like Paris and in some others like Venice. I really love it here, even in the rain. If you come to Russia, you can't miss it, because Moscow wouldn't give you a flavor for what this country really can be. The Hermitage is pretty unreal, much like Versaille but in some ways, better. We hope to make it to the Summer Palace tomorrow but the weather has to get better or we can't take the boats.

A couple of side notes: The Republic of Coffee looks A LOT like Starbucks... circle logo, mayan in the middle, green. Ironically, they told me they didn't have lattes. Lattes... which in Russian is pronounced lattes. We went elsewhere for coffee... aparently something other than a republic.

We've had a number of WWGD moments while here (What Would Geoff Do?) and the thought has provided countless laughs at his absent expense, sorry but its true. The best was probably when we were in the bath with many naked Russian men and all of us agreed that Geoff would say enthusiastically, "we need to have a picture of us in here." That said, we miss you Geoff and wish you were here with us.

Lastly, I found a Russian Marriage agency. You will all see the photos at some point, it is hilarious. I wouldn't mind actually.

We need a few more responses, particularly something that will allow us to belittle you with our worldy knowledge.

Oh and ladies, the 80's are on their way back... pull out your flashdance sweaters and tuck your jeans in your boots. You'll soon look like you stepped out of a Pat Benatar video like many of these ladies...

Dave

I just gave my underwear to a bartender

We made it to St. Petersburg on 5/18 on the overnight train from Moscow. Slept amazingly well on the train. Woke up in the middle of the night to realize I'd fallen asleep in my jeans and tennis shoes with my iPod on. Dave and I played nice guys and gave up our lower berths in one of the compartments to two members of a family of four traveling together. At the time we didn't realize that we were trading for the upper berths in their compartment, so we got shafted on the deal.

Didn't have long to find the hostel and get cleaned up before we had to meet Olga (no kidding on that one) and the driver for a tour of the city by van. It was just the 6 of us and Olga who was very nice. She looked like what you'd expect.

Not sure what it is, but I have a feeling I'm going to like St. Petersburg much more than Moscow. The town just seems friendlier. Might be the sunny weather. The last few days in Moscow were really gloomy.

A couple of things I've noticed:

1. There are no gas stations here. We have walked all over Moscow and after today St. Petersburg too, and I can honestly say I've seen 1 gas station. Apparently these people have found an unlimited fuel source that they aren't sharing with the rest of the world. I have a feeling it's a concoction that contains part cigarette ash part vodka and all the deoderant they don't use - which I believe is all of the deoderant in Russia.

2. Russians walk fast. Maybe their bred with an extra muscle in their calves that help them walk fast to avoid confrontation with the KGB or maybe they are just in better shape than we are - who knows, maybe the surgeon general is wrong, maybe 4 packs of smokes a day betters your speed in the 40 yard dash instead of making you wheeze like you've got a kazoo stuck in your throat.
I was next to a woman today and I swear if she had been a couple years younger, say maybe in her 70s, I wouldn't have been able to pass her. Maybe her hunched walking style and the tight bun she had in her hair led to better aerodynamics.

3. If New York is the City that Never Sleeps than Russia is the Country Filled with Insomniacs. First of all, the sun doesn't completely set until...well, I've never seen it set. We were out last night around 11 something and it was still light out.

4. Russian architecture is like a meal for someone with high-blood pressure. Bland. To me, most of the buildings look like big blocks with windows. Of course there are the really old buildings that are amazing. Ornate, hulking things with great detail. Those are beautiful. But the vast majority of the buildings - especially those in Moscow - look like they were chunks in the stool of the Soviet machine.

5. I'd starve if I was a clothes dryer sales man here. Apparently they don't believe in that new fangled machine the clothes dryer. We were offered the laundry service at the hostel and found out it is just washing. We would get a stack of clean clothes that we would have to dry in our room which has not clothes line and I believe the windows are painted shut.
We opted to take our clothes to the only place in town that offers do it yourself laundry. Turns out it's a bar of some sort and we had to drop off our laundry instead of doing it ourselves. When you drop to your knees tonight please pray that I get my boxers back.

Well, that's all for now.

B

So four naked guys walk into a room...

Went to see Lenin today. His tomb is open on a daily basis and people line up to walk passed the guy for 30 seconds. Leave it to Greg to get whistled at by the cops again. He had his hands in his pockets and was acting shifty which I have to agree is a flaw that Greg has, and the cop told him to keep 'em where he could see 'em.

Lenin's body was in amazing condition. I hear they take him in for service every 12 months or 100,000 visitors whichever comes first and dip him in parafin wax to preserve him. Keep up the good work comrades, the ol man looks good.

We also toured the Armory today which is inside the Kremlin and is a museum that holds Russian antiquities like some of the Fabriege Eggs, gold and silver and old clothes of the Russian rulers. We tripped the sensors in the room with the old horse drawn coaches in it. I guess we reached out a little too far or leaned in too close to get a better look and a siren went off and a Do Not Touch light flashed. Then came the recorded voice in Russian telling us to back off. We were also scolded by an older woman when we apparently got in her way while she was trying to explain to a class of school children about some of the pieces. I couldn't understand a word she said but I knew she wanted us to move our asses so her kids could see. Man, you can't take us anywhere.

The highlight of the day came when we all went to the Sandunovskie Banya which was built in 1896 and is Moscow's oldest bathhouse. Now for those of you who don't want to hear me go into great detail about Dave's Rubenesque figure or Tommy's uncanny likeness to The Simpson's Mr. Burns sans liver spots please skip ahead several paragraphs.

It was definitely an experience. We all stripped down -- I'll take a break right here for all you ladies out there. You just take your time envisioning that scene.

And we're back. We walked into the steam room or as I like to call it - the small room where I nearly died in the midst of 20 naked Russian men. My God that place was hot. I could only take about 5 - 10 min at a time before I had to walk out and under a cold shower or into the tank of cold water. If you ladies are still envisioning the scene and are wondering what just happened after I got into the cold water, please be aware that cold water has detrimental effects on certain parts of a man's anatomy. And the water I was under was super cold. Just keep that in mind.

As part of the bathhouse ritual, guys beat each other with birch branches that had been sitting in water buckets getting soft. I know what you're thinking. This sounds a little "off" to me. And I hear ya, believe me. But, when in Rome... So we all beat the Hell out of each other with birch branched. And we got off easy compared to how some of the guys in the place were getting smacked around. You could even pay somebody to be your personal "birch branch beater".

Would I do it again. You bet. I felt really relaxed afterward.

Well tonight we leave Moscow and take a train to St. Petersburg. More to come from there.

Sorry there are no pictures. We aren't able to download anything on these computers. Maybe at the next place.

B

When in Russia

I don't care where you are in the world, women and maps go together like ex-lax and a long bus ride. My friend's wives who may read this eventually put together a great trip and are two of the greatest women I know... top 10 at least, but map reading isn't a strong suit.

I'm back to provide some notes on day two... if you want to look manly in Moscow, don't order a latte. I have yet to get a mug and often it looks more like a flute that is impossible to suggest anything other than my interest in "alternative" Russian theaters. Speaking of which, there is an XXX place on a street near us with silhouettes of women but the name in cyrillic tranlates to Mister. Not sure we'll be going in there.

Red Square, despite what you may have heard, isn't really all that red... well its more of a burnt sienna on the walls. The bricks are darker.

There is a McDonalds outside the Kremlin where capatilists can clutch a McRib in their fist and laugh at the failure of socialism on the other side of the wall. Of course in the old days, Mickey D's was there but if you ordered the #1 or #5 value meal, you got the same thing.

Had lunch at an old KGB haunt today... have nothing but good things to say about this place. But seriously, where else can you step into a bathroom that is camoflaged with plastic leaves? Speaking of bathrooms, its 10 rubles to use a port-o-let on the streets, most of which are called Toi-Tois. I haven't had the pleasure yet but they seem clean, a woman that "runs the place" was reading in hers waiting for customers.

More to come.

Dave

Kremlin, Schmemlin

We hit the Kremlin today and boy does my hand hurt. Ba dum. Hey I got tons of em folks.

Started the day with a little coffee and what I thought was going to be a pleasant pancake with chocolate, vanilla and poppy seed. Turns out this thing had enough poppy seeds in it to set off the drug dogs at the airport. If they test at Cingular I'm in trouble for about a year. It was like a poppy seed paste. Couldn't even finish the thing.

The sad part about it was that the waitress gave us the Russian menu and watched us struggle trying to read it for about 5 minutes before she offered us the English version. Even worse, the pancakes I saw on the Russian menu -- nice fluffy American pancakes with that large pat of butter we like so much and a carafe with heated syrup on the side -- wasn't on the Russian menu. That's how I ended up with the drug pancakes.

Kremlin was cool. Couldn't see all of it (we'll go back tomorrow for the tour of the Armory) but what we did see was really amazing. There are at least 3 cathedrals in there that are older than dirt. All built around the 1400s. The colors of the frescos were a little faded but you could still see that they were all majestic in their time. They still are if you ask me. All the cathedrals have those onion looking spires on top of them.

One of the cathedrals had a group of priests singing and they sounded amazing. Almost like those chanting monks. The acoustics were pretty unreal. Of course when the show was over they were over by their booth hawking their CDs. Ahhh, capitalism at its finest.

We stopped by the GUM shopping mall to have some lunch but couldn't find anything we liked. This is the place where the Russians would line up to get their bread and cheese and staples back in the days when communism was failing. That was the time of bare cupboards and not enough food to go around. Today, the GUM has 3 or 4 levels, around 1000 stores and a food court. Ahhh, capitalism at it's even finerest.

After walking a while longer trying to find a place to eat we settled on the Sword and Shield. It was an old KGB hangout and it is located across the street from Lubyanka Prison. They had pictures of all the heads of the KGB and the different uniforms worn over the years. It was interesting.

Couldn't read a thing on the menu so we did the businessman's special and did the eenie meenie minie moe with our choices on the menu. Ended up with some cranberry-type drink, an egg and meat salad thingy, a beany potatoey soup, a hamburger that tasted like ground beef with Lipton onion soup mix and noodles and a pork cutlet with rice. For flying blind with the menu we ended up ok.

Some of observations:

1. The cops scare me. I know I haven't done anything wrong, but man these guys look nasty.

2. I'm glad we aren't flying Aeroflot out of Russia. I forgot to mention this the other day but the passengers on the flight to Moscow actually clapped when the pilot landed the plane. Now I know people used to do that when flight was still a novelty, but in today's day that should not need to happen. I mean it was like these guys didn't expect the landing to happen. What?! Crap, we're actually on the ground safely!!!! Wooo Hoooo!!! My confidence level in the Russian air travel service has pretty much hit rock bottom.

3. 9.5 million a day can't be wrong. I'm not sure how many people ride the NY subway a day, but add BO to that equation and you've got the Russian subway.

Tomorrow is our last day in Moscow and I will miss the place. I know I've cracked on it a lot, but it's a really interesting city with a lot to see. We haven't even scratched the surface. Maybe I'll be back one day.

And if you decide to come, make sure you buy a pre-paid SIM card when you get here. It's a lot easier than setting up your phone for international service and then not having it work properly.

B

From Russia With Love

Since B is giving the recaps, I'm going to add a little "flava" which is Russian is "Phlayvia". I'm going to do this the easy way, trip notes:

• The cold hard tile floor of the Frankfurt Airport is not the best place for napping. I do hope they will excuse the puddle of drool.
• Hearing the creaking of cables in our hostel elevator doesn't make you feel confident about reaching the top nor the time you spent at Jenny Craig to get under the weight limit.
• We have already had a run-in with the cops for drinking beer in the metro - which we have seen many people do. They grabbed Greg and tried for a bribe. Tommy was ready with his "american cigarettes" but a woman came to our aid.
• Rumors of Russian alcoholism are true, I've been accosted by an overly friendly drunk in the metro, seen a guy on all-fours in the park and walked past guys double-fisting Lowenbrau at 8am.
• Red Square is pretty cool. (I had t0 say that, I'm being watched right now.)
• Russians have the coolest cemetaries. Guess when you have a sucky life, death should be a thrill ride of finery.
• Russian women. Forget what you know of babushkas named Olga, these are all svelte Svetlanas that make you think a Russian bride isn't a bad idea, I'm bringing home two assuming they'll fit in the overhead and although many are tall, I'm aiming for some short ones.
• Although B admitted to the Hard Rock Cafe, I'm pretty sure we are eating at the Russian equivalent of Moe's most days... although I haven't gotten the "Welcome to Moeskys" yet.
• Moscow is a lot nicer than I thought it would be except for the tenament condos. Cabrini Green would fit right in... dynomite!
• If you come to Russia, learn some cyrillic as it helps because no one speaks english. I'm certain I have propositioned several people unknowingly with choppy Russian... oh who am I kidding, I knew what I was doing.
• Went to Gorky Park today with Tommy singing The Scorpion's song Winds of Change. In Gorky itself, we got to see the carrousel of change, the rollercoaster of change and the hot dog stand of change. Its become such a wonderful world. (FYI - most of the crap in this park is the worst of americana ... think Myrtle Beach Russian Style).

Looking forward to the Kremlin tomorrow. Life is good comrade.

Dave

Sunday...I think. What the hell time is it?

Happy Mother's day!

We got up early and decided to head out before the rest of the group arrived around noon. I tried to get my phone to work but I couldn't text Tommy. Damn Cingular! Christine Jones I'm going to have to have a word with you about this world phone!

A couple of observations so far:
Apparently the folks around here don't start the day until after 9 because we couldn't find a coffee shop or a cafe that was open before then. What a bunch of slack-asses. Also there isn't any coffee to go around here. You have to sit and drink it in the shop. You can buy a beer from a street vendor and walk around like a common hobo drinking from the bottle, but God forbid you have a cup of coffee!

The owner of our hostel has Ikea stock. Everything in the place is from Ikea. The bunk beds, chairs, lighting and even the door handle to the shower that Dave had to break because the door wouldn't open.

It's true what they say about the cops wanting $$$ from tourists. Greg was walking into a Metro station with beer in hand and a copy pulled him aside. Thankfully a Russian woman spoke English and translated for us. He wanted a $10 fine for carrying the beer into the Metro. Tommy told him we'd call our embassy and ask how much the fee is before we pay it. The cop relented and told us to throw out the beer and have a good day. After the urine in Greg's pants dried we all did indeed had a good day.

Vodka is on every menu. It's flavored, colored, in tall glasses or shot, with sugar on the rim or straight up. Have it your way. And we did. Only one shot for me so far. Not bad though.

Directions aren't what they should be. Or maybe Nastia is really, really slow. When we asked her about an internet cafe she thought the closest one was two metro stops, a transfer, two more stops and a blocks worth of walking. After consulting the local waitress it turns out this internet cafe is two blocks from our hostel. Last time we as Nastia for anything except clean towels.

It's not the second hand smoke that will kill you....wait a second, yes it will. Man, this place is definitely Marlboro Country. I should become a tobacconist here. I'd make a killing. Of course i'd be dead by 50 from lung cancer. I swear I picked something out of my nose the other day that could have fueled a locomotive. This thing looked like a hunk of coal.

That's all for now. Good stuff to come tomorrow.

B

Day 1 - Saturday, 5/13

We have arrived!

We landed around 8:00 on Saturday and waited for about 45 min to get through customs. Apparently what little English the Aeroflot stewardess knew didn't include the right information about our immigration cards. Dave and I waited in line and when Dave got up to passport check-in they told him he needed to fill out the form that the stewardess told him he didn't need to. Crap! We were both tired and just wanted to get to our hostel. By the time we finished the form the line had died down and we breezed through.

Ran passed the taxi drivers wanting our business to take us into Moscow and went to the Mashrut which is a shuttle bus. $1 later we were on our way. I talked to a guy on the bus who knew a little English and he gave me some info along the way. He wanted to know about Atlanta and he remembered the Olympics. Nice guy. He helped us find the Metro stop after the bus dropped us off.

We navigated the Metro pretty well. The closer to the center of the city you got the more ornate the stops. A lot of stone work and marble tiles. Some of the stops are pretty cool. The cars themselves look like they are straight out of the 40s/50s.

It took us a little while to find our hostel - we took a wrong turn out of the Metro stop. I was a little worried when we walked into the foyer of the place. Pretty dingy and dark and the elevator barely had room for Dave, me and our bags.

We met Nastia, the manager of Sweet Moscow at the door to the hostel and we filled out the paperwork and got the key. We were both feeling nasty at this point so we each took showers before we headed out to find something to eat. As sad as it sounds, we were both so tired and not in the mood to do a lot of searching for food at 11 at night so we just went across the street to the Hard Rock Cafe and had a hamburger. Aside from the fact that I think we each inhaled a pack of cigarettes while eating, the food and beer were good.

After dinner we went back to the hotel and hit the sack. Slept like a rock.

B

Clean Underwear

Despite what my fellow traveler has written, my services are no longer for hire. A distant past are the days when "el Burro Gringo" or "The White Ass" as I was known would make a border run. Gone but for the memories -- and the scars -- are the prods and probes of the customs officials, the late-night "deposits" and the doctor's note that explained to the border patrol that the strange items showing up in my x-ray weren't illegal narcotics but actually the intestine of my unborn twin brother.

Today I travel the world strictly as a tourist. Today, I travel with clean underwear.

I gotta say, while I have the same anticipatory excitement I had before last year's trip this time it's mixed with a little nervousness. Mainly about Vodka.

Those of you who know me well know that I'm not a big drinker. Drop me into a country where you're more likely to see vodka rather than blood flowing through its citizens' veins and I'm even more of a fish out of water. Add to that the fact that I just celebrated a birthday and my traveling companions have already told me that we will be lifting a glass or two in Moscow to celebrate. Well, you can see my concern.

Plus, I've heard it's considered rude to turn down an invitation to drink with a Russian so I might be obligated to throw one back with half the bar if it comes down to it.

But let's look at things logically. I'm a drunk American in a foreign country, isn't that how we are supposed to act? What's the worst that can happen? I get thrown in jail for the night? Not that bad, right? I mean c'mon, the US/Russian relations are definitely better than they have been in the past and the likelihood they would try to sell my scrawny butt into the slave trade is pretty low.

So I guess I shouldn't really worry too much. I mean, if I do get arrested for drunk and disorderly at least "The White Ass" will have on clean underwear.

Brian

(Comrade, any reference to narcotics, drug smuggling, etc is purely for entertainment purposes and should not be seen as a green light for you to perform a cavity search on me at any point during my trip.)

What to Bring Back? or How to Act?

When I ask people what to bring back from Russia, I have only heard Russian brides or Vodka. And I'm sure if it was legal, or easy, to bring back some high-quality Russian drugs, someone would ask for those. Incidentally, Brian has volunteered to be a "mule" for anyone wiling to pay his bail or chopper him out of a Siberian prison if it doesn't go down as planned; he mentioned something about a "cavity" but I'm not inquiring into that any further. But I ask you, whatever happened to the good old shot glass or t-shirt as a souvenir?

Incidentally, I'm wondering about the etiquette for attending the Russian Ballet. As Brian and I are there with two couples, I'm wondering if we should leave a gay-seat between us for Tchaikovsky. With the latest news out of Russia on this issue, I'm suggesting Brian leave his rainbow shirts at home and go with the one with "Cari's Dude" printed on it above her airbrushed picture.

The countdown has started and the backpack is almost ready. Here is to hoping for better in-flight movies than Coach Carter ... three times like last year ... and that Brian finds that Gas-X Extreme before we get on the plane.

- Dave



(Disclaimer: Any allusions to my travel partner, the great sport and great guy that he is, as a drug mule or gay monger are purely for entertainment purposes. The gas part, however, is entirely true.)

Russia Trip a Week Out - Fears are Mounting

For the record, a lawsuit is pending against my travel partner for unauthorized use of a non-sexy photo of yours truly.

I will admit that I am nervous about this trip... not Russia, Estonia or Sweden, but the last one B mentioned. What if the Frankfurtians are readers of my own blog? What if they've seen my comments? The question is, how will the Germans react to the jests of my online alter ego, Kingfish? Send bail deutschemarks along with Brian just in case...

The big question looming over this trip is, will my liver be able to handle it? I haven't had vodka since a spectacularly ugly night in college.

I am looking forward to staying in hostels again and waking up to see some large Belgian man snuggled up next to Brian because he couldn't find his own bunk after too many vodka lattes.

I also figure I will be gaining or losing 15 pounds on this trip. If I eat, I'm confident I'll injest a lifetime of sour cream in the next few weeks, but I'm not confident I will eat. Borscht just doesn't sound like something I can keep down.

I'm looking to find a t-shirt that says "I was arrested by the KGB and all I got was this stinking T-shirt. But please, share with me your plans for world espionage and speak into the sleeve."

Who is with us for next year when we head to Darfur for some exciting ethnic cleansing tours?

Dave